today is shit.
i get these little bursts of energy where i run around like a mad woman and am all jovial. then it stops, and i feel deflated and thick and empty... does that make any sense? nothing i say or write makes sense to me today. i really need to go in for medication. i'm kind of apprehensive about doing so, though. i was on prozac when i was younger and it didn't do anything... i don't want to go in and have them say "oh yeah, this will work" and then have it not. i guess if i don't know either way at least i can hope something will... that logic is rather stupid. it works for me though. how fitting. i feel rather close to tears. shit. i'm gonna go sleep. adieu.

Mood:peachy keen...
Music:eels...

oh no! tomorrow we have to give speeches in Senior Planning. what a load of crap. i hate speeches... everyone staring, at me, and to me talk about myself. oh lard. AAANND, not only do we have to speak in front of the class, but mrs. roorda will be filming it with, get this, a video camera. for those of you not familiar with what that is: it's like pictures with sound AND movement. yes, i know, it seems a little odd to me too. then we get to watch ourselves on friday. oh torture (and not the good kind). *sigh* i wish i hadn't skipped so much already, i am up to my limit on absences... blah! i may cry... hehehe...that would make a loverly addition to my speech, no? ANd, i have yet to write the damned thing out. *hits head against wall...repeatedly* oh fun...i wonder if i can "pass"...most likely, no. worthless classs... arrgggh.
golly, what did i learn about myself as a person?
lol, not a whole damned lot.
let's see... i procrastinate? i already knew that, and it's the topic of 95% of the speeches...
i am a lazy-assed little twit? hey! dat might work...no. too similar to procrastination...
i...hate people! oh, that's nothing new...
i...may cry? hey, yeah...and then i could follow it up with an example! crrrrrap!
civil disobedience is an option. let's all walk out! c'mon. follow mee...no. the class isn't smart enough... i could use bribery! "i haaavve candy..." ert...no.
i'm gonna have to speak in front o' the claa aa aaaaassssss. grrrr.

my attention span is nil today.
my poor aching body...someone needs to come give me a massage! now. or not... at least i get to sleep in tomorrow. oh watch, i'll get the chance to sleep in, and i'll be wide awake at 5am. i bet i will... oh vell, then i'll just stay in my jammies till i have to go. i'll go wake everyone else up 5 minutes before their alarms go offf! hehehee... i know, i'm malicious... lol.
i should go make dinner... i hate whiners. hehehe...oh lard! i am one. dammit.
i'm gonna go now... what in Dog's name should i make for dinner, huh? oh who knows. it shall be wonderfull... they don't care anyway. ingrates! okay, i'm off.

Mood:sore and unappreciated...
Music:lars friedrickson and the bastards...and rancid...

i don't feel much like thinking, but i wanted to enter something...bored as hell. anyway, so i kiped this survey from...oh... this tinytassa chick. thanks, love.

1. Name: Elise McKenna Abbygale Bassett Hudson

2. Were you named after anyone? um, yeah. Elise McKenna was the name of Jane Seymour's character in "Somewhere in Time", and Abbygale was the name of my biological father's girlfriend.

3. Do you wish on stars? as a childish habit of desperation, yeah, sometimes.

4. When did you last cry? a while ago...

5. If you were making a movie about yourself, who would play you? buttercup from powerpuff girls.

6. Do you like your handwriting? i serves me well.

7. What are the # 1 priorities in your life? conquering all...it may take bloodshed, but we all have a price to pay...

8. What is your favorite lunch? diet coke. ahh, routine.

9. Any bad habits? hehe...yeah.

10. What store would you never be caught dead in? i don't shop much, but i don't limit myself as to which store i will and will not go into. if i find what i need, i don't care where i got it from.

11. If you were another person, would you be friends with YOU? no, probably not, too much competition...and i am too moody. i hate that.

12. Are you a daredevil? i can be, when the mood strikes. why? whatcha planning?

13. Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? no, not really. i am concerned with myself sometimes, but i can deal.

14. Have you ever told a secret you swore you wouldn't? yeah, but i felt bad afterwards...

15. Have you ever stolen anything? yeah, i...add to #9...

16. Do looks matter? ideally i'd love to say no, but yeah...it's what you notice about a person first...well, in real life. i don't disassociate myself with a person just because they aren't pretty, but most people do gravitate towards people they find somewhat attractive.

17. Do you pray? when i feel the need to, though it's probably closely related to #3.

18. Have you ever met anyone famous? no, not that i recall... the future famous perhaps. my friends are destined for greatness.

19. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? um...considering it's an optical illusion and not tangible, i highly doubt it...but hey, ya neva know...

20. Are you trendy? nope!

21. Are you passive or aggressive? passive/aggressive. i am ambiguous. i am also fond of love/hate.

22. Who is your idol? don't have one. i'd rather work on becoming my own. and yours.

23. Who is your second family? my first one is extensive enough, why have two?

24. There is no 24: is that like there is no 13th floor? how silly.

25. What was your favorite toy as a child? g.i. joe.

26. Have you ever been on radio or television? yeah. yippy skippy.

27. Ever kissed your friends (girl-boy) friend? yes...damn urges...

28. Do you have a journal? hu uh

29. Have you ever intentionally hurt someone? yep. i feel much guilt every time i do though...

30. Do you like sarcasm? nah. i feel that people should just say what they are thinking straight out, without playing all of these mind games. *coughcough*

31. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? nah.

32.Do you feel understood most of the time? i don't understand me most of the time. that would be so boring anyway.

33. Do you know what `xylom` is? a fictitious word used to make the person filling out the survey feel inadequate. or a typo. xylem is woody tissue of plants.

34. Do you have a nickname? kennapea, little sister, kenna, ken, lisie...kennapea is the current...

35. Could you be a vegetarian? if i tried, yeah. but i don't want to be.

36. Would you ever bungee jump? it's doubtful. there are more fun ways to get a rush.

37. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? nope, i wear boots with zippers.

38. What are you worried about right now? too much to get into right now...actually, i was filling out this mindless survey to distract myself from all of that, but i guess that didn't work, now did it? thanks! *coughcough* this is a small addition to question #30...

39. Do you ever wear overalls? oh lard, no.

40. Do you think you are strong? in comparison to what standards? i am strong enough to suit me..

41. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? i don't eat ice cream all that often...but vanilla is okay.

42. What class in school is a useless Class? there are no useless classes...all class are in place to benefit someone. people have different interests and priorities, so there needs to be a wide variety of classes to insure that everyone has the opportunity to get the education they need to succeed in life. then again, outdoor education was pretty fucked up.

43. Have you ever been in love? i have been in a state that i took for love at the time...lots of times...but i was mistaken. silly me.

44. Have you ever had your heart broken? yep. lots... but hey, "that which does not kill us, makes us stronger", right? right?? yeah, right.

taadaaa...yeah.

Mood: predatory
Music:sublime

silly

i missed my computer. i just got home. a whole evening was just too long to be away...hehehe... how pathetic.
okay, here goes my commentary on prom. prom was....hmmm...hehe. it was silly. some people were taking it so seriously. it's high school prom, for christs sake! calm the hell down. i was being "immature" evidently...
oh! and, i was in between 30-50 pictures yesterday alone. it was horrifying. oh well...i guess i survived...maybe... it may be too soon to tell. the pictures haven't been developed yet.
next: joseph. he was such a gentleman. overly so. not that i like complete ass-holes or anything like that, but...it is possible to be too polite. it really is. i mentioned that i should get something to drink, and he sprinted off to go get me a diet coke, as in, he pays attention to what i drink. or he's trying to tell me something...hmmm... no. then, erin ordered (yes, ordered) him to go find tanya, so he set his cup down and went to search for her. he...i don't know. all that chivalry makes me uncomfortable. perhaps i'm just not used to it... i don't know. he's very sweet though. how can i say anything bad about someone who tries so hard. so hard to what, though? please me? ha. why? *enter cynicism*...
okay, next topic... erin and soosin were the hottest things there! oh my blessed word! if they weren't friends, i might have made a move on them... =) ya never know! hehe.
hmm...next... after! i love rum and coke. i wish i hadn't had those three cups of battery-acid-style coffee before-hand, though... that much caffeine along with the drink was...well, fun really, but yeah...hehe. i guess the coffee was a nice touch. tasted horrid though...
oh man, i'm tired...i think i'm gonna go take a nap... so. yeah. i'm done writing. bye.

Mood: tired
Music:nonnnnee...silence is grand

OH LARD

VAPID

oh crap. i have to pick up my flowers, alter my dress, go tanning, and other girlish type things to get ready for prom tomorrow. okay, so here's the plan so far:
*go out to dinner with joseph to olive garden or something
*go to the prom
*enjoy the ambiance...*coughcough*
*go to denny's to meet erin, soosin, erica and darren...
*get dropped off at home
*humor my parents in their questioning..."did you have fun?" "did you dance?" clever crap like that...
*get dropped off at Tanya's and enjoy the rest of the evening... =)
i can't wait to get dropped off! oh...i feel badly for my little escort boy... hehe oh vell. i think i may be getting a little too excited, but you know what? fuck that! i'm gonna have fun! or make my own fun... muahaha!

Mood: bouncy
Music:davematthewsbandiebandiebandie

ks;ladjdfaslkfucka;lskjfoiwejw

i want to say so much, but i can't put any of it into words and phrases. there's so much going on in my head, and i can't get it out. *hack head open with an axe*
or not. i sort of wish it was that simple, albeit messy.
i have no fitting words.
this is too frustrating, i'm gonna go make tea and read.

Mood:explosive
Music:radiohead

yes, it's another damned survey...shudup, i'm bored

~I see: I see: I see: I see: I see: I see: I see: I see: I see: I see: I see:...hehe, you asked...
~I need: nothing right now...well, nothing new anyway...
~I find: the fact that no one is on to talk to me rather depressing...*pouts*
~I want: to go play in the rain, but there is none.
~I have: a bit of a cold? maybe i shouldn't play in the rain anymore...
~I wish: i had a pony...yes, that can be a euphemism.
~I love:...that's rather personal! but you would know that...
~I hate: feeling numb.
~I miss: feeling loved, really loved, by someone i feel the same about.
~I fear: being invisible...
~I feel: way too much.
~I hear: the television in the other room...and my cat yawning. he's so cute.
~I smell: the cat, damned cat...and candles and paint.
~I crave: you.
~I search: and search and search until i've forgotten what i was looking for...i do that way too often.
~I wonder:...oh god, don't get me started...there's a lot in my head right now...
~I regret: nothing. why should i waste my time like that? i don't bother.

~When was the last time you ...

~Smiled?: a few minute ago.
~Laughed? : all the time...teehee
~Cried? : last night...
~Bought something?: i bought lunch at...er....lunch time. and a diet coke!
~Danced? : it's been a while...here *dances* there! happy now?
~Were sarcastic? : gee, i dunnooo...i'm not really the sarcastic type...*cough* there
~Kissed someone? : too long ago...then again, i suppose it's always "too long ago" *blushes* why? are ya offering?
~Talked to an ex? : about a week ago...i'm some sort of personal therepist..."i'll take away your problems"...i'm not complaining though. i like helping those i love when i can.
~Watched your favorite movie? : i don't have A favorite...so, yesterday is close enough...
~Had a nightmare? : a couple nights ago...*shudder*
~Last book you read: the vampire armand-anne rice...beautiful story.
~Last movie you saw: trainspotting...yesterday.
~Last song you heard: one by missy elliot
~Last thing you had to drink: tea...mmmmm
~Last time you showered: this mornin'...why does that sound like a pick-up line to me?
~Last thing you ate: cheerios and honey in a mug...
(survey lovingly stolen from souphead)

that first half reminds me of those "i am" poems we had to do in 8th grade english, sophomore english, creative writing, and psychology...i feel a need to cut pictures out of a magazine...yeah, or not. anyhow, taadaa...okay no more surveys, i promise. no, i don't, but no more for a while at least. okay, bye.

Mood:like i'm on hold for something
Music:bjork-homogenic

i can feel my heart beating through my jaw...
i just thought i'd share that realization.
your welcome.

stars shining bright above you
night breezes seems to whisper 'i love yoo'
birds singing in the sycamore treees.
dream a little dream of meee....

say nighty night and kiss me
just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
while i'm alone and blue as can be,
dream a little dream of meee...

Mood: flirty
Music:ella fitzgerald and louis armstrong

the clouds are moving in again... ignore ignore.
i need to distract myself...
i have to call some florists. i need a bunch of baby roses for my hair. it shall be grand.
i need
to
find
that carafe
of wine.

no. i don't. i need to write. i need to sing. what cd shall i listen to? erin's burned disc is calling me. come hither, come here. come play me. ooo, i second that. eherm... no. *sigh* where
oh where
oh huh...
it doesn't wanna play... i have no patience for this. NOFX it is...
sidney's pissed...
what? too loud? huh? I CAN'T HEAR YOOOO... i'm mean. kiss my arse.
i need something... let's go rumage...

Mood:all of the above.
Music:i say don't drink and drive, you might spill yer drink...

i love you all

i just woke with a start. i love dreaming, but i hate some dreams... it's not even the violent ones that i dislike, those have their own twisted beauty. the memory ones are what i hate. the ones that give way to brief self-reflection of actual events, how i should have handled them, how i let it go wrong. these ones are too judgmental, too plain and harsh. my conscience spitting poison.
i'm a little dizzy now...my heart is racing. no one is on to talk to, to pet my cheek and say "there there". but how selfish of me, they are all sleeping. sleep well my dears. *kisses each and every forehead* i'm going to go read. i don't want to sleep any more. i feel that i may cry. i hope the day improves.

Mood:shaky
Music:late-night cars and garbage trucks

that's it! no more wine on school nights. what bad little parents, letting me down a third of the bottle... hehehee. but, on the other hand, i have to finish this painting and i need inspiration. AND, i'm thirsty and what goes better with steak than a nice cabernet? what? i defy you to think of anything...see? nothing. okay, perhaps a glass or two...
anyway, that was pretensious...don't you think? i do... damn. oh vell...i haven't anymore to say.
where is soup? eriiiinnnnn, where be you now... you MuST be home by now. i hope you found yerself a dress... i'm sure you'll be hot in anything though. erin and soosin walk in and blows 'em all away. i can see it now.... anyhow, i'm gonna go eat and drink and be merry... you all should do the say, i ya ken what i mean.
*kisses all around, especially there*

break time...

i'm taking a little break...i was working on my self-portrait and i couldn't stop laughing. that can't be good. i hate painting myself. one of my therapists used to make me draw myself (self-exploratory therapy stuff), and i would draw these twisted little thalidomide-style characters...i wish i still had them, they were cute. she didn't think so.
anyway, so now i'm looking at this canvas covered with...me. it's not very good, but it is funny. i have little geisha lips. my tea has grown cold though...*weeps* oh vell, i will survive. *sings all the way to the kitchen to put tea water on*
i'm back. *glee* i am such a slob. there's paint all over the looking-glass... oh how pretty. *adds more paint* perfect! maybe i should get back to work, nobody's on IM...*pouts like a mofo* i shall go. maybe i can salvage my portrait yet... lol... oh god.

Mood: artistic
Music:not till it halos all over you, i'll come over...

my complete lack of contentment

i am dissatisfied with everything tonight. i go online only to get bored with it and log off. i turn on the tv only to discover that i don't want to watch anything. i ran a bath only to drain it and take a shower instead. i tried sleeping, but i just lie there unable to fall asleep. i can't read, my eyes keep skipping lines. i'm bored, but i don't really want to do anything. nor do i want to do nothing...*shoots self in head* there!
okay, perhaps not... i'm sure this will pass. in the mean time, i'm driving myself insane. dammit dammit dammit! i'm gonna go now. i suppose i'll watch tv/read/lie in bed/cook something i won't eat/wander around aimlessly. i need someone to distract me. i need chemicals. i need a swift blow to the head.

i am so tired today...*yawn and stretch* my little step-brother goes home tomorrow...ert...today. wow times flies when yer doing eight things at once. yippy skippy...back to hell with him. oh no, that's mean... *yawn* oh well. i'm sleepy... everything seems all far away and frigid... oh, i'm gonna go sleep before i babble anymore. nite all. *hugs all around...especially for you, you, and you, but not you...okay, fine you too* there. nite.

Mood:floaty
Music:i say don't drink and drive, you might spill your drink...=)

just to fill everyone in:

evidently i have no purpose. that is the general concensus. i haven't any purpose except to waste air, space, food, material, and time. taadaa. there you have me in a proverbial nutshell.

going into further detail as a response for erin:

the safety dance is a terrible thing. all recordings of said '80s dance song should be scratched up, smashed up, and all remaining pieces of whatever scrap may be left should be burnt into a pile of hideous, molten, stinking rubish. then, those who attempt to reincarnate this vile song should be punished...severly. perhaps this is...oh, harsh, but there is no other song that can and does so frequently cause my skin to crawl in such a manner as the afore mention tune. i love '80s music with a passion, but as much as i love these (and excedingly so) i hate the safety dance. so, no, i did not thank you my dear erin. but i love you anyhow...just not your taste in some kinds of music...i don't think i need to specify which i am referring to

Music:guess which song i'm NOT listening to...

ball gowns and dumbasses

i just went and picked up my prom dress...i'm feeling rather girlie. i am, however, resisting the urge to wear it around the house... =) it's so cute. i wanna wear boots wif it...hmmm...i'll hafta get some. i need to talk to joseph and see if he's terribly against going out with erin and soosie befores or afters. i'll ask another time...i dun't wanna call now.
anyhow...if another person says, "whoa, tomorrow is 4/20...hehe..." i'm gonna shoot 'em! grow the hell up peoples. pssh... i must have heard that eight times today. the first person to say it tomorrow is gonna get smacked! i'm serious. okay...enough of that... i had all of this stuff to say...but now i really don't want to. so there. taaadaaa!

Mood: amused
Music:portishead, ella fitzgerald, etta james:girlie music..teehee

last night i dreamt that i was watching Peter Pan at the drive-in and i cut my hands off at the wrists. it was sort of calming in a way, i'm not sure why... it pissed me off when i started thinking about it later, though. how the hell did i cut off the second hand? the first one, i used my left hand and detached the right, but then how did i separate the left? i guess i'm just that talented, or else my dreams are just that inaccurite... mayhaps both. i haven't watched Peter Pan in a long time... maybe i'll rent it. not bloody likely. fuck disney.

Mood:blah...
Music:art room mix...

i feel odd...things are going well, i'm not used to that. i am happy, i'm not really used to that either... i got my senior project done and handed in, i may graduate now... *exhales* i feel relieved and sort of deflated...what could this strange feeling be? contentment? is that it? do i have that in me? i don't knoooow...i'd really rather be a little stressed though... tension is good. this...this is too...serene. oh well...i'll cause stress in some other aspect of my life. i usually do. ho humm... how sad is it when you'd rather be at your wits end that content? that's me i guess... anyway, i guess it's nice, i'll graduate and then i can go...away. goodbye Lynden, hello...i don't know...anywhere but Lynden? that works for me. i doubt i'll really be happy in any one place, but if i get out of here and on my own, i don't have to settle. i am nomadic. =)

Mood:happy, serene, content, bored
Music:the tv in the other room...and cars going past my house..

!troz

um...i thought i wanted to write. i guess i don't.
there's a voice in my head telling my to get back to work, but it sounds quite similar to the voice that tells me to do naughty things...if i listen to it now what will keep me from doing so on the bad occasions? dammit. i dunno. *explodes into a million pieces all over the floor* hm....

voice: get back to work!
kennapea: just a minute...i'm writing.
voice: yer not gonna graduate...
kennapea: what do you care?
voice: i caaaare...reeeeeaaally i do. and by the way...see the kid in the hallway? kick 'im.
kennapea: i can't kick, dumbass...elsewise i would have by now.
voice: fine, you gotta lighter, light 'im.
kennapea: do you realize how bad that would smell. i hate the smell of burnt hair...
voice: fine...bite 'im?
kennapea: i don't think so, i don't get that friendly with family...
voice: oh fine, get back to work.
kennapea: pssh.

anyway, yeah...you heard the man. i gotta go.

and joey ramone is dead...man...

Mood:nothing,no mood,it's all gone
Music:oh stuff...just stuff.

within the past hour or so my voice has become all horse and gravely...just that fast. it doesn't hurt, it just sounds funny. oh my, what is a girl to do in this situation? sing dammit! and i have been! to everything...and as an added bonus, it pisses my sister off. :) i sang most of ...And Out Come The Wolves. in fact i'm singing right now.... hehehe... i worry myself sometimes... oh well! say good bye when you see me sign, now i'm crucified!... hehehee...i just got an evil look curtisy of sidney...*sings louder* HAHAAHHAA! she called me a frootloop! HAHAHAAA! *catches breath* WOOOooo... hehehe. *cough* maybe i'm sick! maybe i cannot return to school tomorrow... oh, wouldn't that be hooooorrrrrriiid? yes indeedily doo! teeeeerrible...imagine staying home all day... by my lonesome. it would be quiet in the house for once. whatever would i do? heheheehee. oh, i wish it would rain. playing in the rain sound fun right now... but, no, i finally want it to rain and it's merely overcast... *crosses fingers and hopes for downpour* OH! the eels...i can't sing loudly to this! hmmm...the living end? a little better... SEX PIStOLSSS!! yes! *dances around like a damned fool....and sings* bwahahaaa! oh. i'm a frootloop again! hahahaahhaa...ouch! that hurts my feewings... boohoohooohhaaahaahaa...
okay...now i have to go do...stuff. i haven't decided yet, but in case ya can't tell...i have too much energy right now and need to be destructive.... byeeee

Mckenna Abbygale Bassett

MERCUTIO
O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you.
She is the fairies' midwife; and she comes
In shape no bigger than an agate-stone
On the fore-finger of an alderman,
Drawn with a team of little atomies
Athwart men's noses as they lie asleep:
Her wagon-spokes made of long spinners' legs;
The cover, of the wings of grasshoppers;
The traces, of the smallest spider's web;
The collars, of the moonshine's watery beams;
Her whip, of cricket's bone; the lash, of film;
Her wagoner; a small gray-coated gnat,
Not half so big as a round little worm
Prickt from the lazy finger of a maid;
Her chariot is an empty hazel-nut,
Made by the joiner squirrel or old grub,
Time out o' mind the fairies coachmakers.
And in this state she gallops night by night
Through lovers' brains, and then they dream of love;
O'er courtiers' knees, that they dream on court'sies
O'er lawyers' fingers, who straight dream on fees;
O'er ladies' lips, who straight on kisses dream,--
Which oft the angry Mab with blisters plagues,
Because their breaths with sweetmeats tainted are;
Sometimes she gallops o'er a courtier's nose,
And then dreams he of smelling out a suit;
And sometime comes she with a tithe-pig's tail
Tickling a parson's nose as 'a lies asleep,
Then dreams he of another benefice:
Sometime she driveth o'er a soldier's neck,
And the dreams he of cutting foreign throatsm
Of breaches, ambuscadoes, Spanish blades,
Of healths five-fadom deep; and then anon
Drums in his ear, at which he starts, and wakes;
And, being thus frightened, swears a prayer or two,
And sleeps again. This is that very Mab
That plats the manes of horses in the night;
And bakes the elf-locks in foul sluttish hairs,
Which once untangled, much misfortune bodes:
This is the hag, when maids lie on their backs,
That presses them, and learns them first to bear,
Making them women of good carriage:
This is she----

ROMEO
Peace, peace, Mercutio, peace!
Thou talk'st of nothing.

MERCUTIO
True, I talk of dreams.
Which are the children of an idle brain,


i am mab.

what goes up....

ooohh...i've been happy for the most part all day today, now i'm gonna pay for it... in case anyone wasn't quite sure, yes, i am bi-polar. one minute i am gloriously, maniacally happy and then the next...yeah...you're smart, you figure out what comes next. well my friends, here it comes...it's like coming down from a buzz, all heavy and thick and slowed... i'm not sure how long it will last, i've been happy for a couple days, i think. let's hope the down-side doesn't last as long... oh well... ah shit...easter's tomorrow... family dinner. fuck. i'm done here

obscure memories...

when i was little, someone gave me this set of kids coloring books that talked about cleanliness and being a good friend and stuff like that. they even had little characters that told you how to act in every situation...one was good and one was a little imp. there were like seven of these books and they came with crayons. they were nice enough, i guess, but at the time i hated "kids books" with big print and little words (i started reading at 18 months of age and preferred more serious material), i guess at one point i ripped the set to shreads...i just founds a box full of pieces of moral books and coloring crayons... ahh memories. why would anyone keep this? we've moved at least 10 times since then. why would anyone pack this with us? it kinda makes me sad though...i can't even remember where we were living then...

Mad Girl's Love Song-Sylvia Plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moonstruck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

Mood: horny
Music:the living end-growing up

this is to all of those who aren't up and online...

damn you, you damn lazy slug-a-beds! and too erin: you were up and went back to bed?!?! *kicks erin...really really hard* blaaah... fine! you can all sleep longer, but you're all gonna make up for it later. look at me! i'm bored outta my skull! *is bored outta skull* see?

Mood:oh so lonesome...*pouts*
Music:the living end

how sad...i got up this morning to rain, miserable, drizzly, cold, blasted rain. i love the rain, but not when it like this...it's all grey outside and my arthritis hurts. yeah, i have arthritis, since i was born in fact. no big deal, but whys it got to rain? tell me. erin, did you do this? figures! okay, no... i won't blame you...it's my fault. not sure how, but it must be. i'm gonna go make me some tea. anyone want some?

oh god! i'm in such a strange mood. i'm considering exploding, just for the sensation of it. how odd that would be. granted, it wouldn't last long, but hey, nothing ever does. hm...this is the same rationalization that compels me to just off of a tall building... eegads. what a fuckin' rush that would be, though! but, don't worry. i won't jump or explode any time soon... i need to do something, though. i'm baby-sitting today. my siblings are going to my grandparents' house, so i was thinking, "right on. the whole damn house to meself!" (yes, that is actually the phrase that went through my head...word for word) but nooo. one of the guys my dad works with called and asked me to watch his kids.... it's no big deal i spose... i could take 'em down if i had to... they're only about three feet tall. they've been here for 3 hours and i've heard "i'm hungry" at least 20 times... time to bake cookies evidently...that's what they are saying... i best get to it then... ho hum... okay i'm going

ever have one of those days where you are just so blissfully happy that you question your own sanity? that is what today is. i'm not complaining, it's just odd...i love it, LOVE IT! *heavy breathing* oh my...not that kind... anyhow, i'm happy. no particular reason...i'm just going around with this dopey grin and frightening people. several have asked if i'm "up to something"...bah. give me a moment and i might be....

Mood:bliss
Music:none none none

i'm better now...just in case anyone was wondering... i was just reading my last entry and...yeah. it bulges with self-pity. oh so bitter. i am doing considerably well now. jovial in fact. nearly to the point of frightening myself. if only erin was on... or tanya... or if sooosy was back. i am so lonesome... *sniff sniff* but i shall survive. i will. joyously in fact. see? *is all joyous and flittery and glowing* like a 30 watt. i can't go any brighter, i have sensitive eyes... i'm just babbling now. not that it's anything new or different but i am. OH! tanya IS on...oh now that i have to goooo. baahhh! i may cry. nope. still no tears... oh vell. later all. *kisses all around...especially to some*

my head is toxic. i could cry. no, i wish i could cry. why the fuck can't i? what the hell is wrong with me that i can't even cry when i feel like it? *sigh* i need to dissolve...hmm...nope. can't do that either. i'm useless...

fucking chemical imbalance. great, diagnose me and then what? nothing. is it suppose to make me feel better? "oh, well, you're bi-polar..." and? i knew that, i told YOU that. am i supposed to become normal because i know what my affliction is? it doesn't work that way. and no, i don't wanna talk it out. i'm fucked. there. taadaaa! oh, i feel soo much better. patronistic asshole. screw doctors. they wanna put me in counseling again. because what? it worked so well last time? kiss my arse. goddamnmotherfuckingassholedoctorsdontknowshit anddontlistenworthshit andiftheytellmeimspecialonemoretimeimgonnagofuckingposta landdecapitateanintern. fix that.
god, i need to breathe. i can't.
anyway, in closing, i'm fine. :) i just needed to babble. i'll go get some caffeine and whatever else i have lying around and i'll be dandy again...see watch...

Mood:i'm fine
Music:the radio...

i am sooo freaking cold! *shiver shiver* i'm in my bedroom and i can see my breath! that's cold! my fingernails have this blue-ish tinge to them... i made a fire a bit ago, but i don't think it's taking off. *puffs out breath* see? oh man. i suppose if i put more clothes on it might help. ooohhh, but they're waaay over there... here clothies clothies clothies...must train my cats. "go fetch" nope! they just stare at me...fuck you! bad kitty!
anyway, *goes to yell at fireplace* damn thing! my cat was drinking my tea....ewww... he can have it now... i'm gonna go... no. i probably won't. i never do. sad, pathetic li'l me. anyhoo...i'm bored. ciao.

Mood:freeeeezin' dammit!
Music:none...tooo far...hell yes, i'm lazy!

i miss soooooosin...i doo. i just may cry...*guilt guilt* soosin, where are yoooo? i love yoooooo.

Mood:saaaaaadd...*pouts...a lot*
Music:oh god! don't ask...it's too horrifying!

BOYCOTT!!!

by the way...i've decided i'm NOT doing anymore surveys! if you wanna know something about me, ASK YOUR DAMNED SELF! hahahaaa...*cough* unless someone comes up with an interesting one...screw 'em all. literally. okay, no. that would get messy and icky.

oh, watch: i'll probably end up filling one of those damned things out by the end of the blasted week...what's today? wednesday....yup by saturday...i have NO will power. how sad am i?

Mood:shall i reiterate? um...no.
Music:same as a few minutes ago. if you can't remember, make it up

sick and noo caffiene...this is hell, i'm telling yoo...

oh maaan... i decided at 5 o'clock this morning that i didn't want to go to school, so i told my mother that i was sick. hey, and that way i could finish some work i am behind on and maybe clean my room 'cause it took me almost ten minutes to find my shoe yesterday and that just pissed me off. so, anyway, i pull the covers up over my head and fall blissfully back to sleep and when i wake up next, guess what, i'm sick! for reals. what the hell i was feelin' fine this mornin'...damn psychosomatic bull shit! i got a headache and fever and my tummy is very upset, and i tried talking to it and coming to some terms but it didn't work at all. AND, there is no pepsi in the house...i may cry. i'm gonna go now...i have some tears to shed.

Mood: aggravated
Music:NOFX-Kids Of The K Hole. and other stuff, but you don't care

ohhh. my heart is all fluttery. i just got out of the bath...i feel all warm and fuzzy. i'm wearing clashing jammies. AND i got pepsi! life is good...and not just because i'm easily amused...okay, maybe. the smurfs are on, too. if only there was someone here to talk to...but no, they're all gone. oh vell, i shall write to no one in particular. it's all good. i really don't even have anything to talk about...hmmm...perhaps it's story time... *clears throat*

once upon a time there was a girl named lola. lola was five-years-old and loved the holidays, so she was excited because it was the day before easter. her mother and she had just moved to be closer to family, and they had been filling her head with their plans to celebrate. her mother wasn't very festive and had always chosen not to celebrate holidays that the cult didn't allow, so the change excited lola.
easter morning, lola woke and ran to the living room to find a large basket of goodies with her name on it. she dug through it until she came across a huge chocolate bunny. she had never seen anything like it. minutes later, she had devoured it. lola loved easter. just then, the door bell rang. she jumped up and answered it to find her family over for easter festivities. after the greeting and mild conversations had died down, the family gathered in the kitchen, leaving lola in the living room with her basket. she was happily eating jelly beans when she noticed a small cage on the table with her name on it. upon closer inspection, she saw that it was a light-brown-colored bunny resembling the chocolate one she had enjoyed earlier. she wondered if it would have the same...characteristics, so she opened the cage, lifted the bunny, and bit. her family raced into the room to the sounds of her crying and lola no longer has any pets.
the most pointless moral of this most pointless story: not all bunnys taste like chocolate and some bite back. oh! like you could have done any better...

Mood: content
Music:tom waits-big in japan

frivilous

guess who's going to prom... i am. how silly... i know, but it's my last chance and it may be fun...who knows. and i'll get to get all dolled up! imagine me in a dress... NO, DON'T. the idea of people imagining me in anything is kinda scary... i'll imagine it. *imagine imagine imagine* hehehee. it will be great...okay, no it won't but hey...oh well. i haven't owned or worn a dress since...um...i think it was like six or seven... i had one for easter when i was 4, but half-way through the visit with family, i stripped it off and played in the rain in my slip... my mother was furious... ahh, memories. i loved that slip... i'll try to keep my dress on at prom, though... no promises. :) oh how girlie am i?

Mood: crazy
Music:voodoo glow skulls and rancid...oh and what's this... NOFX

I AM A FLIPPIN' MASTER OF DISGUISE!

any of you who don't yet believe that i am truely a genious...
today we had to go to this career thingy at the local community college (and when i say "we" i am refering to other people along with myself), and i saw this guy that i used to go to school with, before i moved here. we used to be friends until things got...oh, i'll spare you all the details and go with...weird between us. now it's just really awkward when we see each other. you know, "hi...um...how's..."it" going?" (why when it's uncomfortable betwixt people, does at least one of the parties feel a need to drawl out every phrase to it's maximum length? say it and get it over with!) anyhow, so today i saw him standing about 20 feet away and he started turning my way...so i put my hands over my eyes! hehehe. i think i fooled him. i'm so tricky!
muahaha! anyway, that was my excitement for the day...sad, no?
byeeee!

Mood: jubilant
Music:kitty purring on my shoulder...he thinks he's a parrot...

*sigh*

i'm feeling a little better now... i need to learn to breeeaaathe. people suck, though. me included... i'm a bad, bad person sometimes, so i guess i deserve to be treated like crap by others from time to time. keep me in line. oh well... i don't care. blahhh. why does it matter to me what people say? or, some people anyway... with most people, i couldn't care less what they think. then there's this minute fraction of the population that can actually hurt me if they choose...and they do. why do i let THEM matter? why would i care at all? *radiates luminous codependency* oh fuck me... i don't understand those who feel a need to make people feel like shit. if i upset anyone (and realize it), i feel horrid! i suppose that's just my weird guilt complex, though...

oh vell, that's them... i don't need them. i have better people to surround myself with. i shall do just that... i need to move on. i needed to have moved on long ago, but... i don't have an excuse for not. OH, OH! i thought of an excuse! i'm stooopid! that about covers it! taaadaa! *takes bow* yeah...

anyhooo...i'm gonna go enjoy tim amstrong's loverly...voice... oooh grrrr... calm calm.
*blushes*

okay, love yoo, buhbi.

Mood: okay
Music:punk-o-ramaaa 4...rancid...mmmm...

people are great. right entertaining. usually they just get on my delicate little nerves, but today...nope. they're kinda cute. i'm starting to worry myself. i'm in a really good mood. look at me! *grinning from ear to god knows where* there MUST be something wrong with me... *sigh* oh my! my living quarters are a disaster! i should clean... i should do something productive...i should paint. i left myself a comment at the art show saying, "GIVE UP THE ARTS!!!" i'm wondering if they will pass it on to me. probably not. but then, if they don't, it raises an interesting question...what else are they sensoring? they probably don't pass on the negative comments. the sensitive budding artists that we are. i happen to like the negative ones though! oh, and erin, you got some really sappy ones to read in class... "good luck in the future!" "way to go!" and such... i got "your drawing really makes me think" or something like that... how silly...
anyway, i'm done. much love to anyone who may be reading this... *kisses*

Mood: happy
Music:none to speak of...

here's yet another survey thing...i felt left out/bored...yeah...

um...i've never filled one of these surveys out so i figured i might as well...it's my first and last, so enjoy!

..basics..

name: elise "mckenna" abbygale bassett hudson

nicknames: mckenna (obviously), kennaPea (who'da thought?), um...you can call me anything you want though....

birthday: september 30, 1982

zodiac sign: libra...what's yours, sugar?

school: lyndenl high school, go lions! *cough cough* oh, now i'm all out of school spirit.

color of eyes / hair: hair|fading burgandy eyes|hazel

height: 3'6" or 5'5"...you choose

pets: cats|cat and pokey

..have you ever..

had an online romance?: i dunno...i flirt i guess. i like being in the same room wif someone, though.

been in a quiet room and screamed just to have noise?: yeah...or i sing. i hate silence.

left the country?: yeah...

been so drunk you blacked out?: not since i was 4-days-old... i hold liquer better now.

taken any illegal substances?: not proud of it...

gone out in your p.j.'s?: they're cozy

missed school because it was raining?: i LOVE the rain!

set yourself or a body part on fire?: not lately...? some people have too much time on they're hands

cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend?: ...he started it...

started dancing when there was no music?: maaaayyybe

pretended u were an opera singer?: no, i'm not talented enough to even try...

had an imaginary friend?: three...it was when i was little...they flew away eventually.

crashed into a public wall?: usually just doorjams

ever cried at a 'chick flick'?: oh. sometimes...i guess. couldn't name an instance...

had a crush on a teacher?: :)

done something stupid to impress your crush?: nope...

laughed so hard your drink came out of your nose?: hehe, no. but it's funny when it happens to others...i try to execute only one function at a time...it's safer that way.

laughed so hard you cried?: yes, often!

found a cartoon character attractive?: um...i don't think so...i could be wrong...i can't recall.

at anytime owned a 'new kids on the block' cd?: cd? no... tape? um...

called or seen a psychic?: well, there was this horse once and the damned thing had this really eerie talent...um, no.

planned your week based on the tv guide?: nooo...that's why there are reruns...

acted out of the ordinary?: ordinary based on what standards?

prank called someone?: yeah...it was lame.

been on stage?: yep...i cried in this one play in theatre class. it was great. and the next day i got to yell and make someone else cry.

gotten in a car accident?: nope...not yet

made homemade fudge?: i was bored and....

..favorites..

color/s: i love all colors

day or night: night. morning comes too early

type(s) of music: love it all....not new country, though. or the new "pop" crap. i guess i shouldn't have said i love it all then, huh? alright, most!

chick flick: dunno...i like lots of movies. i don't classify chick flicks, though.

actor: gabriel burns, tim roth, johnny lee miller...these are the only ones i can remember...

actress: bjork (...she was in a movie!), shirley mcclaine...

person: you know who you are

cd: right now? um...radiohead-kid A, rancid-...and out come the wolves, miles davis-kind of blue, bjork-homogenic...oh, there's more...lots...

place: away...

song: just one?

rapper: i dunno...not partial to any in particular

clothes: on who?

red or blue: violet

old madonna or new madonna: niether... why madonna? why no elvis? is she dead yet?

character on 'saved by the bell': don't bring that back!

character on dawson's creek: no, no, no!

character on the brady bunch: what! this is a weird-ass combination! saved by the bell, dawson's creek, and the brady bunch? who came up with these? what are you on? seek help...and get cable!

soap opera: none. my grandmother tapes them, but thank god it's not hereditary.

wrestler of all time: oh, all of 'em! if you can't think of any good questions, just give up.

n sync or 98 degrees?: ...as what, lunchmeat? housepets? oh, lemmee guess, action figures! ...so, i'd hafta go with...niether.

..friends..

do you have a best friend?: why rank friends? i love them all.

do you rank your speed-dial?: no...we for some reason have 911 listed as number 3, though.

who's your funniest friend?: erin and soosin make me laugh.

the end...
what a grand waste of time! okay, good evening.

Mood: artistic
Music:rancid, hole, operation ivy, radiohead, tricky, the cure...

the following is completely pointless...don't even bother reading it...it will kill brain-cells...

hhmmm...i've just realized that i have nothing to say... um... nope, nothing. that's it! i'm gonna sit here till i think of something to say...

nevermind... i'm gonna go fetch a pepsi. caffeine inspiration. that's what i need. maybe a cup of tea... perhaps a shower. or bubbly-bath. or the couch. oh...whatever. bye

Mood: bored
Music:none! oh noo... that's why this entry sucks! i know it!

it wasn't like that.
i wasn't given that chance.
i cringed and burst into flames,
but where were you?
you had already fallen to
their words.
you had fallen for the propaganda they
spewed
and left me to pick up the blame and be the fool.
meanwhile you agreed with what they said,
nodded like a doll,
and denied me like some gruesome accusation.
you grew too old, too high,
too clever for me,
for us all.
i wept the loss
and cursed your head.
but i also cooled,
hardened,
forgot your voice and the words
that used to seep from your lips
and surround me.
but i don't hear then anymore.
and i can't remember that last time
i felt the warmth
or the glow that you gave off.
my mind brushes the topic of
you from time to time,
but i don't dwell.
i haven't the time
to waste.
i haven't the strength of heart.
i can't remember what i used to feel,
but now i don't care.

Mood:carnivoroussss
Music:...nobody loves meee, it's true. not like you dooo...

HEY! guess who passeded their practice speechie thingie!



I SAID GUESS!


oh fine! I DID! shocked, aren't ya? i am. *exhales* *then inhales again* erin taught me that one...
OH! and soosie's star show was tonight! it was fantabulous! people who didn't show up suck, but hey, more moondoodles for the rest of us!
oh bugger! i have hiccups. i need sumfin to drink...oh, all the way in the kitchen... where's that damned house-boy when you need him? hmmm, i need one of those...or a trained chimp. no...house-boy. i need my pepsi! *hiccup* damn! oh! the independent spirit awards pre show is on... nahh. i'm staying put. how lazy am i? very, that's how! *hiccup* oh well...maybe if they last long enough i'll get into the guinness book of world records! i wanna guinness. no, no i don't... what was i thinkin'?
...it's only yooo who can tear me apart, and it's only yooo who can turn my wooden heart...*hiccup*
i can't sing wif hiccups! oh that's it... i'm going now... i am... see watch...

Mood: ecstatic
Music:my own hiccups and portishead....loverly combo...listen...

To: Soup

i need someone who lives to entertain me. is that too much to ask for?
hell no!
okay, maybe.
perhaps i should try to find someone to entertain, spend all my time making them feel all warm and fuzzy...
yeah, that sounds like me. uh huh.
or i could compromise and find someone to entertain and who will do the same for me...
or i could just forget the whole thing and fuck a stranger! YES!
what think you?
alright, i'm done now.

Mood: devious
Music:oh....stufff....

feel free to skip this entry...

there is a mouse in my room. in fact, on my desk, about 8 inches away from my wrist... no, not a pet. a wild, possibly rabid mouse. hhmm... what to do? i could ignore it. in fact, i just might. what lazy arse cats. where are they? i'll tell you. they both are on MY bed, sound asleep. LAZY! kitty, kitty, kitty... no response from cats or mouse. what a sad life i lead... hmmm... i dunno. i should make dinner. i am so unmotivated. chicken something, that's what i'll make. appetizing, no? i should go... yes, i will.

Mood: i dunno...who cares? noone!
Music: violent femmes-add it up...the album...yeah...

i'm keepin' my blood! all of it! you can't have aannyy.

what the hell. i went to donate blood, like the good little citizen i am, and they made me wait for almost an hour, and then told me that i don't have enough iron in my system. i didn't even get a cookie... oh well. i should go to class now... yeah, i should... yeah for woodshop. i want it to be friday right now! i can't wait for soosin's star show! georgia said she may loan me a shirt or sumpin'! i hope so...i have nothing to wear. at all. nothing... and i can't go naked to this. it's not that kind of star show! it may turn into that kind, but for now, it's not.

Mood: predatory
Music: beastie boys...and some other stuff but i wasn't listening

i just drank a whole bottle of water in 3 minutes!!! i give blooood in five minutes!!!!! an' then i get a cookie!! all right! and i get a nifty band-aid! i hope it's snoopy!

Mood: excited
Music:the village people-YMCA...it's part of the art room mix

oh man...i should probably do something. i really just want to...um...do nothing? yep, that about sums it up. soosy's putting on my glittery eyeliner...oooh baby. that shit is cool! it stays on all flippin' day! okay, i can see that you all really don't care...i was just sayin'...*pouts*
anyway, i can't wait for friday! soosin's star showie will be beautimus! we are supposed to dress up, but i have no clue what i am gonna wear... oh man...FOIL! all foil! um,...no. that would be terrifying! and cold. oohhoo... let's see. i've ran out of things to say. maybe, i should do my work stuff...i'm in art class right now. i love this class. i get to use all the art supplies that i can't afford. that's perty damn cool. yet, here i am, writing in my journal instead of art stuff...oh now i feel guilty. i should feel guilty anyway. i don't really that much, though. today is actually a pretty good day. fairly content-like. tomorrow i'm donating blood during second period. that'll get me out of math! how sad is it when i'd rather be drained of some of my blood than write out equations? endless equations, pointless equations... "you may need them depending on what career you enter," personally, if i entered a career where all i did was figure equation...i shoot myself. not to be dramatic or anything, but i just might. it wouldn't happen though. i don't understand why people are afraid of giving blood. it doesn't hurt any more than a pin prick or the likes. i figure i might as well donate. i've taken enough, so why not give back? i weigh a little less than their "requirements" but hey, i can take it... i'm used to it. and hey, dizziness might be fun! it usually is...
okay, i'm gonna go now. much love to whom ever may be reading this bit of literary randomness...

Mood: cheerful
Music:some weird ass mix playing in the art room...

"the crazy cat-lady down the street is talking to herself again, mommy..."

i feel displaced today. i don't really feel badly or unhappy, just not quite right. i got to school today and felt i didn't want to be there (not really anything new, i'll admit) and then i got home and felt the same way...oh bullocks! oh well, i'll dye my hair in a bit...and then...um...nothing. but hey that's enough excitement for one day...oh god, how sad. i need something or someone new...i am becoming cat lady! okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but i just changed the song on my stereo because it tripped the cat out. next time i'll just say, "too damn bad. if you don't like it, leave!"...oh no, then i'd be talking to it...i need a change or a distraction or...anyone have any suggestions?

Mood: worried
Music:rancid-sidekick and operation ivy-old friendships

i hate fast-food.
what a waste of building supplies.
the only thing i like from fast-food places is the ice.
but they look at you weird if yoo go and just order ice.
but, then again, that kinda makes it fun.
they actually argue with me, like i'm not sure of what it is that i'm ordering or that i don't know what i want.
how petty.
what a stupid topic.

i'm in an odd mood.
kinda floaty,
kinda mixed up,
kinda empty,
full of all these strange thoughts,
a little horny...
not that anyone wanted to know.
consider it a warning.
*grins and winks*
i've been talking to some people i haven't spoken to in a while...
it's really strange.

it made me really miss some and recall why i don't speak to others.
it's really crazy how time go by so fast.
i was talking to some people who i can remember playing house with and now one is getting married and one is getting divorced.
i mean, i know i'm quite a bit younger than them, but....
where the hell am i going?
i'm not sure what i'm doing in the fall let alone, like, three years from now!
oh my god!
i need to quit keeping in touch.
i talked to my cousin today though, well emailed...same there too.
my cousins who i used to play with are...grown up.
shit, man, shit...

new topic, that's gettin' me down.
i wanna say so many things,
but my mind can't organize them into any order,
so they all try to come out at once and it kinda sounds like, "sshhpplebbbfffttk" only louder.
my head is going too fast and i can't talk right...
i'm gonna go watch cartoons and try to slow my brain down a bit...

love you all muchly

ps. it spell checked "sshhpplebbbffttk--how else could yoo spell it?

Mood:wrong way through a marathon
Music:same old mixture...

you don't know me at all...

so, for the hell of it, i asked someone how they would describe me...
i guess it came up in conversation or something...
and what do i hear?
"um...morbid!"
morbid?
morbid.
why am i morbid?
i am happy.
what?
just because i find some... "darker" things amusing?
i don't get it.
i'm not really upset 'cause what do they know?
i just thought it was odd.
i wouldn't consider myself morbid...
sarcastic, yes.
facetious, hell yeah.
but nae morbid.
i don't know...
i guess it's a little too clicheic for me.
i'd like to think so anyway.
someone about a month ago said i was cold.
god, that's sad...morbid and cold.

is that how i appear to people?
should i be more cheery?
say, "hehe" more?
maybe i should just quite listening to people...
or at least talking it personally...i know better than that.
oh well, i don't really like judging people so i guess it pisses me off when people do it to me.

oh, man, i think i asked...out of curiosity, though.
but, curiosity killed the cat, right?
poor slain kitty...
why do i let people get to me?
i don't even really like people.
this just reaffirms that...

i'm done

Mood: contemplative
Music:radiohead-faithless, the boy wonder and operation ivy :)

wow.
i haven't written in so long.
not that it matters much.
but i was feeling kind of guilty thanks to someone(soosin).
so i shall write.
hmmm.
i am sooo painfully uninspired.
i need a muse.
i think the kitty is broken.
it's sitting on my desk with one eye shut, purring really loud.
why do i always have crazy pets?
my other cat is the size of a year old child and twitches for attention.
i had a turtle that only ate bologna
and a fish that kept running into the rock in it's bowl.
is this a reflection on me?
god, i hope not.

okay...new topic.
OH! senior writing assessment was yesterday.
that was terrifying.
i know i was prepared, i was beyond prepared.
i had planned what i was gonna say out in my head.
and then, i go in there and my mind went *pphhhttt*!
just like that.
i hate stuff like that.
when i write, i like to be able to write it and come back and check it later...this was tooo much pressure.
i guess it's good that it's over.
and i know i'll pass it.
it wasn't my best piece, though.
i wish we had been able to do it overnight or somethng.
oh well...it's over and i can check it off of my mental list.
oh, this topic is getting dull too.
or perhaps it's me who is dull...oh man!
this is quite distressing.
i should probably go now...
maybe i'll stumble upon something inspiring later.
until then...i don't know resume whatever you were doing.

*kisses*

Mood: apathetic
Music:radiohead-the bends...mmmm...

kitty kitty kitty....

i hate sick days.
today i showered threeee times and i still feel grimy.
that makes me sound like tile grout.
but i'm not, really!
i'm just cute little kenna-pea.
i think that if i stay in this house for one more day, i just my go completely insane.
i spent a half an hour today watching the kitten try to eat my shoolaces.
that is really sad.
i know, i was there.
why do antibiotics in pill form come so damned big?
if you're so sick that you need 'em, how do they think you're going to keep them...down?
sadists!
i tell ya.

hmm...i gotta do laundry...or perhaps i should wait for my sister to get home.
she actually like doing all that domestic stuff.
who am i to take that pleasure away from a little girl of...i think she thirteen...
oh that's bad of me...
yeah, YEAH she is i know...
hmmm, where was i going with this?
oh laundry...nope.
okay, yeah, i should...later.
i am just rambling!
oh no, this whole entry is just pointless!
a typing practice, that's about it!
oh, bugger all to hell.

oh well.
hmm...why do the carpenters have a "behind the music"?
or better yet, why am i listening to it?
why oh why didn't turn the television off?
oh no i used a preposition at the end of a sentence!
should i change it?
hell no, let it stand...hehehe...
i'm such a literary rebel!
okay, no.

okay, new matter.
i have a hole in my sweater!
well it's more like the whole sleeve.
the seam is coming undone and the sleeve is slowly detatching itself like a pissed starfish.
but sweaters don't regenerate!
they really don't.
you can leave them and come back in a week (when you remember where it is that you left it) and it's still in two completely seperate pieces...it doesn't even try.
sad really.
maybe it would be more effective to fix it rather than sit and lament about it.
i think i shall try that.

this is the most boringest entry EVER!
really, try to find a boringer one!
although...the starfish part is kinda funny...i
f you've ever seen one rip itself apart you'd know.
it's really gross, but kinda funny.
anyway, i'm gonna go take another shower...
ick...and congratulations to anyone who actually read through to this point.
i don't think i even did that.
i quit paying attention around laundry.
i guess that's quite evident though...
alright!
i'll stop now.

Mood: energetic
Music:house of pain-jump around

orville redenbacher wallpaper

i feel like shite.
i am nauseous, achy, and have chills.
everyone is walking around with t-shirts like its summer and i am shivering.

that's how i discovered the orville redenbacher wallpaper...
i was in the bathroom, soaking my hands in hot water because i was so cold that my nails had a blue-ish tinge.
i looked up and theres this little old man in the floral wallpaper.
it's quite clearly orville redenbacher.
damn him.
or perhaps if you squint it could be the colonel from M*A*S*H...
nope, it's orville.
you'd figure after five years of living in this house i would have realized it before.
then again perhaps it could be the fever.
great, i start hallucinating and i see the popcorn guy.

it kind of made me a little paranoid so i decided to go with mittens instead.
it's is surprisingly difficult to type with mitten on.
it takes way too much concentration.
i'm gonna go back to bed now.

nite all.

Mood: cold
Music:Radiohead-Kid A

Oohhh...pink!

i really don't have much to say today...
so why am i sitting here forcing meself to write?
It's a mystery...

it's 11:30 at night and i'm still in my bathyrobe because i was even motivated enough to get dressed, but i have my new pink glasses on...
what a babe am i?
i drank two bottles of gatorade today...so it wasn't a total waste!
mmmm, gatorade and almond joy.
i didn't even cook anything!
what a slug.
but hey, i got gatorade and rose-colored specs.
wow, how many times can i say gatorade?
hmm, gatorade!
there's another...

anyway, did i mention i'm still wearing my bathyrobe?
umm...yep...wow.
i have nothing new to talk about...

OH! i went to town with soosie yesterday...
that's something.
it was really cold.
so i guess i'm making up for it today.
*stokes fire*
toasty warm...:)
yesterday was fun...it would be nice if i had myself a job and money...
i had to budget so i have enough $ for next week.
oh man that's pathetic...
i should complain...
oh yeah cause that usually helps.
OH! i know what i'll do...
i'll take my gatorade and go watch ifc.
hehehe indie films with a rosy tint.
what a contradiction...
i love it.

alright, good nite.

Mood: lazy
Music:counting crows-colorblind...how sappy and gooey

ringworm!!!! no not me....ummm...it's just a damn word...pssh!

is this not the epiphany of boredom?
i sat and watched an entire episode of "who wants to be a millionaire".
i feel like i should be in a trailer...
no, that's mean...oh well.
i hate that show and regis too.
what an idiot.
him and his fake laugh.
creepy...

OKAY, new topic...please...hmmm....i'll tell a story...

there once was this little man named hal the cherrypicker.
and as long as hal could remember, he had wanted to be the star of his own broadway musical, Le Pomme de Terre et Le Chat.
not that he was unhappy as a cherrypicker,
it was a wonderful job for hal and he found it very rewarding...
he just couldn't let go of this childhood dream of his.
but anytime he brought it up, people would tell him that he was crazy,
so he put it on the proverbial backburner.
at night, which was really his only spare time,
hal would write lyrics and complex musical scores for Le Pomme de Terre,
but the next morning he would crumple them up and throw them out.
he lived out his life as well he could and eventually convinced himself he was happy.
he was well known for being a great cherrypicker
and he even performed in the towns yearly musical.
he had all but forgotten his dream, when one day a meteorite fell from the heavens and squashed hal like a bug.

the moral of this sad and equally pathetic story is: reach for the stars before they reach for you...taadaaa!

Mood: weird
Music:Cake-i will survive!!!

suuuunny day, sweeeepin' the clllooouuds away, ooonn my way to where the aaaaiiir iiiss sweeeett....

well!
long time, no see...
or no write...
umm, nevermind...
hmmm.

i am in a really weird mood right now.
i took a couple of noDoze a bit ago and i'm just at the height of it.
i don't know why i took 'em though,
i got about 12 hours of sleep yesterday...
okay, maybe i do know why i took 'em...
but now i wish i hadn't.
now i just feel like a dog chasing it's tail, but i'm sitting somewhat still (a bit fidgety though...you understand).
i kinda feel like when i was on ritalin, all wired and blinky.
i guess you could say the meds didn't work for me...
all it did was make me blink every second and a half.
and piss my mother off.
i'd be sitting at the table doing my homework and all of a sudden, she'd yell, "STOP IT!".
except, i had no idea what she was talking about because i didn't notice it at first, so i just thought she was schizophrenic.
Ha ha...
ahh...
good times...
okay maybe not.

it's kind of funny now though...
blink blink blink...
AAAHHHH!!

maybe tea will help...
OH NO...
i'm all out of tea again!
i forgot.
i got my hopes all up, just to have them dashed down again!
what a horrid, evil world we live in.
okay...perhaps that's overreacting a bit...
blink blink blink...
then again maybe not!

warm milk might work...ichk...no.
sleep? yeah right!
oh OH, OOOHHH! deeterlooloo's calming pill...
don't worry, it's natura...and legall...
that'll calm my little self down...
okay i'm gonna go take this and watch cartoons for a while...
see ya after Superfriends.

Mood:blink blink blinky
Music:bjork-homogenic

Wow...anger...

That last entry sounds really bitter...
i feel better now though...
emotional cleansing.
i've always hated journals, i never wrote in them.
i guess maybe it was because they were always given to me by people who said it would help me, and then they'd check up on the progress.
it made it feel like an assignment.
that's not good.
oh well, i'm gonna go make meself a cup of tea now...
soup said so.

Mood: mellow
Music:sublime-40oz. to freedom

Fuck prozac for not working
Fuck people who say, "snap out of it" 'cause they don't know shit and shouldn't give useless advice
Fuck those who say, "have you accepted Christ into your heart?" like it'll help
Fuck people who ast like they care to get what they want, if you don't care, say so
Fuck manipulators, although i am one
Fuck "aren't you clever..."
Fuck people who ask the person i'm with what's wrong with me
Fuck those who feel the need to baby-talk at me
Fuck over-achievers who give advice
Fuck doctors who base their knowledge on books and ignore what i'm saying
Fuck sincere little people who wanna help
Fuck those who "understand"
Fuck critics
Fuck distant/distancing friends
Fuck 'em all and so much more...
But then again, perhaps that would send the wrong message...
oh fuck me.

Mood: disappointed
Music: Miles Davis-Kind of Blue and Rancid-Out come the wolvies...

greetings and welcome to my head. don't stray too far, i'm not willing to organize a search.

hi.
wow that was original...oh well...
so perhaps i should forewarn whoever may be reading this nonsense, i can't sleep.
i'm tired, but everytime i lay my head down, my mind starts a'racin'.
and so follows the words
and phrases
and partial thoughts that spawn from this...
"condition".
and i think i dented my head earlier...
okay, if in case you were wondering how it happened, i'll tell you.

if not, scroll down or do something else.

anyway, i was in the kitchen looking for a wooden spoon...
i know, i know...what story doesn't start out like this?
anyhow, but it wasn't anywhere to be found because nobody puts anything back where it goes.
So i was looking in all of these drawers and kind of leaving them open to remind me of where i had already looked.
i wasn't having any luck and was at the last drawer and was really pissed cause i have a bit of a short temper.
i was sitting on the floor rummaging through my last hope (yes, it is a bit dramatic...) when i found it.
and then, in a sort of "eureka" moment (and forgetting that the other drawers where open) i sat up really fast...
and WHAM!
(the sound, NOT the band...ichk)
the back of my skull collided with the plywood bottom of the utility drawer.
i suppose it really couldn't have done much damage.
maybe even some good...
perhaps knocked a few spare parts into place.....
i read this article about this guy who showed up one day at the emergency room with a hole in his head and a wooden dowel.
he told the doctors that he wasn't sure if his brain was still in his head, so he drilled a hole in his skull and poked around in there with the stick to see if it indeed was.
now, personally, i would have gone to a specialist if i had any doubts BEFORE i tried home surgery...
but of course that's just me.
home dentistry, maybe.
but not surgery!

anyway, perhaps i'll try to sleep again...if it doesn't work, i'll see you in fifteen.